fat-bottomed girls.

I get really jealous when people my age or younger have a ton of awesome tattoos. Where are you getting this money?!?!? I want a sleeve too!!! How about following Obama's plan and share some of your wealth with me. I want to enjoy beautiful art on me before I'm too old to look cool. Well, youthfully cool. Old women with tattoos still look cool but in a jaded, cynical, biker-ish way.

ugh.

welcome to the room ashton and i have been living in for a month and a half.
mostly i'm used to it, but sometimes i look at it and want to die.

ray cappo

This is completely cut and pasted from this site, but in my opinion was a very interesting read. Not the most articulate, but it's written very conversationally and is definitely from the heart. I feel as though this is a very well-rounded view from one of the "fathers" of the straight edge movement. Never having claimed edge myself, I don't consider myself anything but an outside observer, but this is a well-spoken view that will at least entertain, if not enlighten.


"Sell-outs" and What is Wrong With the Straight-Edge Community

I think this statement by Ray Cappo (Youth of Today, Shelter, Better than a Thousand) summarizes well what I think is wrong with the straight-edge scene. We do too much finger-pointing and not enough introspection. We need to build a scene where we don't crucify "sell-outs," but rather lend an understanding ear to their needs and concerns. Personally, I think that if someone takes up drinking or smoking-up or whatever, they're doing so to fill a void or deal with a problem in their life, and the last thing a person in this situation needs is to be ostracized by so-called friends. It is times like these that our friendships are needed most, so we should do all that we can to be compassionate and understanding. Who knows, maybe through love, understanding, and setting a positive example, we can help those who have fallen off the edge to get back on and walk the straight path.

Ray Cappo on Straight Edge, Community, Love, and Fanaticism

Over the years I've ignored most of the gossip I've heard about myself. I find gossip a waste of time for both the hearer as well as the speaker. I let it go, "Ray Cappo's dead, Ray Cappo's in Jail, Ray Cappo has a secret arcade in the temple basement, Ray Cappo's not a Krishna.... I know all these things first hand" But I must address my recent accusation... "Ray Cappo's a drunkard and gets wasted everynight on tour with Better than 1000 and preaches Straight edge on stage, and this is why Jeff Neuman quit the band, due to Ray Cappo's blatant hypocrisy".

Sit back cuz all this I'm going to address all this, and not to save my face, but to point out the fucking idiocy, psychosis, and the neurotic behavior that has comes about in our hardcore scene over something like SXE, which was initially intended (at least in my book) to better one self and have one keep their body and mind in control. These principles I love and support and rally behind both in my lyrics and for the most part, in my life.

Important personal backround: As a person I love natural foods, healthy living, working out, natural medicine martial arts, yoga, enlightening literature and good friends. I hate; lethargy, laziness, junkfood, duplicity, arrogance. For the most part I try to steer myself in the direction of the first batch although I'm definitely not perfect. I don't like intoxication and I never really have. I don't like how it makes my body feel, I don't like the fact that it destroys my liver and brain cells and I don't like the fact of potentially doing something ridiculous by my not having control over my body and senses.

But I've grown, the hard way into becoming very accepting of people that do drink, smoke or whatever. I guess because when YOT started I had fanatic blood in me. (which I think mellowed down by the time Break Down the Walls came out, only to be traded in for fanatic Krishna blood which sort of calmed down by the time of MANTRA was released) I condemned, criticized and belittled those who weren't like me. Any shit I get now from kids is some karma I'm going to have to eat so I don't even mind so much.

My real important lesson over the years was that there has to be a motive behind things. WHY? WHY are we SXE? What's our motivation behind the Act? Is it merely so we can get a "True till Death Tattoo"? Is it because we want to feel accepted in a crew and part of an elite rank? IS it because we have a hardcore hero that is? Or is it because we want to better ourselves in this lifetime? Now I hope you chose the last one. If you chose any of the others I think you should start being a little reflective, perhaps start thinking for yourself and develop your own opinions.

Whenever we do something for self-improvement we should be careful not to be arrogant though. This is the sticky web the fanatic gets caught in all the time. The Fanatic hates dialogue. There's one way. His way. The only way. We've all witnessed it with bible thumping Christians, Bhagavad Gita thumping Krishna's or banner waving SXEer's. Fanatics don't necessarily even know Why they are intowhat they're into a generally can't explain it very well to an educated person. They're generally arrogant. Arrogance is not a quality those who want to improve themselves cherish. We generally don't see arrogant people as evolved. So, the question is, "if you're getting into straight edge for bettering yourself, why develop arrogance alongside of it?

The real sad gist of it all is that not all people get into SXE for the right reasons and they further complicate their lives. For example, my mother. She's not SXE. But she's great. She's funny, sweet and would do anything for anybody at any time of the day. If I chose to call her up right now (I'm in Washington DC) and said "mom (she's in NYC) I don't feel good can you come down here" She would come. At the same time I know a few SXE kids who are the biggest meanest assholes I ever met. Which is a higher principle?

When Youth of Today would play in Boston and Slapshot would put meat products on our van did I have any respect for their version of SXE. No. As a matter of fact from then on I realized people have different motivations why they get into it and a lot of times it's less than noble. In the name of this noble movement we have some people doing some real fucked up things yet feeling safe, self righteous, above the rest behind their SXE banner. This is fucking disgusting- right up there with the inquisitions, Salem witch-hunts, Ku Klux Klan, and McCarthyism. Hiding behind a veil of perfection but fueled by arrogance. How 'bout SXE band that recently had a stripper over there house and were licking whip cream off her body. Is this type of depersonalization of women something to be self righteous about?

Let me also state that this is the exact same reason why I gave up waving a Krishna banner. Not because I don't believe in Krishna, God or the particular way of life...I don't preach it unsolicited because I felt the same thing was going on in that scene too. Arrogance in the name self betterment (I was guilty of it too-an apology) I've forced myself to become accepting of others because, fuck, maybe other people have some good idea's too. Fuck maybe I'm not the smartest most perfect guy I thought I was, and fuck I don't even know the person yet I'm jumping to all these conclusions about them.

My crime was when I was in Italy, in wine country, in a particular village in front of the entire band I had a glass of wine with my meal. Big fucking deal. Some how this turned into "Ray's been Drinking in Europe". (There's an equal amount of truth in that statement as in Bill Clinton's "I didn't have sex....") It's nothing I'm ashamed of. It's nothing I even thought twice about. It's nothing I feel to be ethically twisted or a philosophical U turn. Has it scarred my character? I think, and I'm sure any practicing psychiatrist would think that if you have a problem with it then you've got the problem, not me. Is this type of neurotic finger pointing the sign of people psychologically healthy and secure with their own convictions? Even if I got wasted out of my mind...why is that anyones business or problem but my own? Shouldn't one offer sympathy rather than cruelty? I urge peoplee to really look at why we became straightedge. Is it merely to prove we're better than other people? No. This is fucking wrong.

Here's the other sad thing. Imagine if I did get drunk every night. What kind of a community have we developed that a person gets, condemned ostracized and expelled rather than encouraged loved and supported by friends? Wouldn't true friends say, "shit ray you've been getting drunk every night, are you going through a rough time or something? Could I help in any way? Do you need a friend to talk to?" This is friendship in my book. This is the type of community I want to be a part of. Wouldn't you want that as a friend instead of a fair whether Judas who betrays you in a moment. Finger pointing SXE kids should take a lesson from Alcoholics Anonymous. I recently went to an AA meeting with a friend who is a recovering alcoholic to observe their techniques in healing and empathy. The groups trust and lack of judgement fascinated me. Because they've developed a society of trust and confidentiality, people feel free to entirely reveal they're faults, which is a first step for improving them. The others in turn empathetically listen and encourage. I was so impressed by their character and aspire to be like that too. I want to become that type of friend that a person can really trust and count on.

So here's the deal. If we want to become SXE, Krishna, Vegan, Vegetarian, Hardcore, or what ever do it for the soul reason that WE want to become it. These are personal choices. Practically speaking no one else's business. Once we make them into political parties they tend to be self-defeating. We should be happy with ourselves and not make others feel intimidated because they're not like us. If we actually want to influence (a lot of these groups want to preach because they're into what they believe) follow the Advice of Socrates. Just become happy and balanced with your life. Socrates said being a living example is the best form of influence. It's better than debate or preaching. If you 're happy and balanced people will want to be like you. You need not even speak unless asked.

To me life and spirituality has become so personal. I don't talk about it unless people want to know. I'm saddened by the even the questions "are you straight edge or are you Krishna?" because I don't want to be sized up by people right off the bat. I want people to respect or disrespect me for what I am,and get to know me but not because I wear particular logo or subscribe to a particular philosophy.

In closing I especially feel sad for the bands who rant and rave about fallen SXE heroes on stage and how fucked up they are. I know all those fallen SXE edge heroes. I grew up with them and they were good people with good hearts who said good things and changed a lot of people's lives. (Even yours Toby) If they can't live up to those principles today it's sad but maybe they're better off in some other way that you or I can't see. Instead of scrutinizing their foibles, why not scrutinize your own? Encourage and support each other. Life is a long path filled with ups and downs. If you're down someday won't it be nice if someone picks you up. Most of all people be kind.- rc

"I know what I'm shooting for and I know how I felt and I don't have to prove it to anybody cuz I already proved it to myself. No matter where I am in this world I know exactly where I stand . I thought we were on the same side. But at least I know that I fucking tried." YOT put it aside

"I use to think that labels were just symbols of pride but over time I see they only serve to divide. It's easy to judge people by the way they seem to be but we must over come these problems to live life peacefully" YOT- break down the walls

"Empathize can I look through your eyes, I'll find, different paradigms and different minds , never two of a kind and that will bring me back down to size again" Shelter Empathy

"I think that it's true it was people like you who crucified Christ, and I think that it's sad the opinion you had was the only one voiced" this is from After Forever, a Sabbath song shelter covered in Ozzy's reference to fanatical born again christians.

"just lump everyone in then you don't have to begin to use discrimination...I'm no religious institution or denomination I a separate personality....don't put your labels on me...there's somuch more you can't see"...Shelter "Not Just a Package"

"narcissism a selfish prison..shackled to our ego but I'll practice being kind"-Better than a Thousand "Born to Give"

selling stuff

is weird! but awesome! it's almost zen-like seeing your belongings reduced to a list for people to sort and pick through. hopefully people like what they see and decide to pay big money!
http://search.ebay.com/_W0QQsassZgirlwithathorninherside

huh.

Thinking about moving comes in waves of excitement, nervousness, insecurity, freakedoutedness, etc. Sometimes it doesn't seem like a reality, then all of a sudden it just sort of hits me and I realize what I'm ACTUALLY doing. I've been systematically taking stock of my life over the past 23 years and re-visiting a lot of nostalgic things like pictures of old friends and things that I used to do. Missing friends that have passed away (Charles, Nicole) and reminiscing about things that used to make me so happy (swimming, being innocent, going to soccer games, first kisses when that was such a huge deal, Cabin John Park, musical theater, after school art, being generally more carefree). Sometimes I take stock in just exactly where I am in my life and what place I have in this world and how far I've come with school, accomplishments, old friends, and new friends. I definitely miss those times but cherish the independence that I have striven for and achieved, but at what cost? I did appreciate the times of disposable income, my mom making lunch for me every day, Taco Sundays, weekends in Georgetown, having more boy friends than boyfriends and not knowing what to do with boys I liked, shows in DC, feeling independent while not having to worry about money or insurance or anything. I guess this is all part of growing up, and I wouldn't change anything if I could, but I think I freak myself out needlessly some of the time. I am so excited about what this next chapter of my life with bring, and I can't wait to start it, but it definitely is scary not knowing how things of this magnitude will work out. I try to hope for the best but know the worst could happen, but I think everything will work out alright. It always does somehow, even when I have no idea how.

i...

am waiting for andy to get off work so i can go eat wings with him and then come back to move my couch/bike/table/chair to flza and annie's new digs and then move my bed/dresser to ashton's house and then collapse and die with exhaustion but i am reading about malcolm x on wikipedia and he is an interesting dude and today was a productive day and we figured out how to move stuff from richmond to san diego on the train and i want to get rid of almost all my earthly possessions and it's going well so far but i still have a ways to go and that's about it in a nutshell.

the time travelers wife

One of the best books I've ever read, hands down. Stories of love and longing for some reason have always struck a chord with me, but it's very difficult to pull of a good love story without being cliche or stupid. Audrey Niffenegger has put together a magnificent novel meshing fantasy and reality without the usual mystical stupidity and creating an amazingly complex and yet identifiable story of people's lives intertwining throughout time. I hadn't been able to put it down since getting it 3 days ago, and I'm already through the 536 pages. The timing of the book is impeccable, with an interesting story that just continues to pull you in over and over again until tears are streaming down your face and you're nauseous with emotion. It's spontaneous and unpredictable, and yet explainable in a way that makes you believe that uncontrollable time travel is possible. It opens one's mind up the the possibility of seeing people you thought gone, and the pain and happiness that come with the knowledge of future and past.

Great love stories always include some sort of parting of two souls that cannot rest until they are reunited, and that idea has been recycled and cheaply exploited a million times over, but the power and beauty of this story stands head and shoulders above them all. I see that they are making of movie of it starring Rachel McAdams, which is disappointing because I feel like that was a pretty obvious choice. Speaking of stories of love and loss and longing... I think we all saw The Notebook. Don't get me wrong, that was a great movie that definitely doled out some tears, but it would have been nice to see a new person exploring that role.

Book: Highly highly highly recommended.
Movie: We'll see

Juno and my opinions on the American public in regards to cinema and beyond

Here's my first movie review. ever. For no other reason besides I got the soundtrack for my birthday over a month ago and I'm listening to it for the first time right now. The first thing that comes to mind is GILMORE FUCKING GIRLS.

I HATE THAT SHOW. With every fiber in my body. In all truth, it's definitely not the WORST show out there (see Surreal Life, Deal or no Deal, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and most anything on the WB). But the dialogue in Juno reminds me a lot of that show. I guess it's just replicating that trademark quick quip way of speaking.

I'm sure a lot of people out there are big fans of not being able to follow such an unnatural way of speech that makes your head spin and threatens to make your brain explode with frustration overload, but I'm not one of them. It's weird and creepy. Anyway, the point is, Juno isn't QUITE as bad as that shit storm of a show, but it's definitely toeing the line. It was funny but a little "too" quirky for me. Accidental teenage pregnancy is always a barrel of laughs, and Ellen Page is pretty cool. I liked her in "Hard Candy" (which I also had high hopes for that were sort of dashed), but she did a good job and I hope to see her in more things. She has a cute face that I would like to see more of in movies to come.

I hate the Hollywood idea of cashing in on a good idea by shoving it down our throats again and again as fast as they can until the public decides that they're tired of seeing Will Ferrell or that weird fat guy who became the "Magic Man" in sports comedies with a rotating supporting cast, or now the new Michael Cera or that other fat guy with the curly hair duo. The American public in general depresses the crap out of me in terms of accepting and embracing such obvious uncreativity and trash. Everything has to be quick, easy, microwaveable and flashing neon to become a part of society. Whatever happened to anything from honest and simple stories or even unbelievable fictions of such imagination trips, just stories that were concocted with honesty from the heart and mind? Revelations of true life beyond the McDonaldization of the world or exploration of the human psyche?

I suppose the argument that "everything has already been done" has some validation, but then why would anyone even still try to accomplish anything in a creative realm? It's going back to Eastern religious philosophies of achieving Nirvana, or even Western ideas of Christianity. Just because the "answers" are not attainable in life doesn't mean you shouldn't STRIVE for them regardless. I suppose we're all guilty of being lazy and leaving the responsibility of presenting ideas to the world to someone else.

Back to Juno. It wasn't a bad movie. I liked it. I laughed at some parts. And for the most part, I'm enjoying the soundtrack. It's very easy listening, and I like the director's notes in the CD booklet. He describes it as "a patchwork of homemade sounds made by teenagers whose senses of humor and honesty rang through the crappy tape recorder they used to capture their chicken-scratch lyrics." I think that's a pretty appropriate description for this very heavy Kimya Dawson (of the Moldy Peaches) CD, along with Sonic Youth, Buddy Holly, the Velvet Underground, etc. Also it definitely makes me want to fulfill my dream of getting a keyboard and starting a surf-themed vampire band called Fang Loose.

One day it will happen. Until then, I'll leave the patchwork teenage music to someone else.

blergg

i'm in sterling at the moment visiting my parents, grandparents, and uncle/aunt for a little bit. ALL of our family lives in california, so this is a pretty significant get-together. also significant in the fact that in 5 days my uncle mike will be in iraq being elite as shit and worrying the hell out of all of us. it sucks, but it IS nice to see the fam every once in a while. my dad took me out on his brand new motorcycle today and we raged hardcore. i got a few sweet bday presents, some heels (!), and some awesome momma demmon cookin'. of course i caught flak for some new tattoo developments, but at least they all know it's pointless to fuss when they're clearly not going anywhere. anyway, i haven't done anything since i've been here but eat and annoy my mom. it's g00d.

P.M.A.

i try hard a LOT to have a positive mental attitude.
but shit. right now it's really hard.
shit just keeps getting dumped on me left and right.
i keep trying to be cool about it
but it's really stressful.
i need for something good to happen.

religion vs. faith

This is a very very first draft. I don't think it's super organized or coherent or inclusive of everything I would like to address, but feedback would be nice.


Hypocrisy in Contemporary Organized Religion
Why religion is obsolete in modern society

I must preface this with the statement that this is meant to be an outpouring of my own personal opinion regarding organized religion and the problems it poses on society. This is not meant to change anyone else’s beliefs concerning organized religion. This is not meant to be disrespectful, or sarcastic, or the answer to the world’s problems; rather, it should be considered with all seriousness and self-examination, hard as it may be to turn the light of criticism within yourself. For all intensive purposes, “religion” and “faith” are to be considered two completely different ideas, religion being a structure with a history, and faith being a personal exploration of one’s thoughts and hopes for the world and beyond.

The word “hypocrisy” automatically sends bristles up people’s spines when referred to in religion. In contemporary society, we are riddled with molestation, abuse, embezzlement, and fraud in all spiritual sects. Catholicism is an easy one to point fingers at, with a two thousand year history it is not difficult to find stray sheep amongst the millions of followers. Mormanism is in the spotlight right now with the discovery of hundreds of sheltered followers, virtually all who have been removed forcibly from society or without outside knowledge of culture and been brainwashed to perform acts of polygamy and pedophilia. In considering “brainwashing”, the Manson Family is also in the public eye with their seemingly obvious hypnosis and delusions of a worldwide overthrow, with their charismatic leader ultimately ruling the world as God, Man’s Son through ritualized slaughter.

None of these “religions” have anything to do with faith. Faith is a hope, a dream, a prayer, an idea, anything that opens one’s mind to a possibility, perhaps without reason or explanation. Religions are all very intimately similar, with their beliefs of a creation myth, rules for living a basically good life, and ideas of a life beyond this life. The only differences in the major religions and their sects are rituals and names, essentially. To those who believe that life on Earth is the end of the road, why do billions of people every day sacrifice themselves to a never ending assembly line of mindless, thankless tasks that make the world go round? If I truly believed that when I die, nothing remains beyond that, I would not be living my life in structured institutions that serve to better me as a person to be a constructive member of society. Karma dictates that any action one takes, they will receive an equal return of good/bad. Black/white. This is a very simplistic way of convincing people to be robots in a factory society.

Fear and laziness go hand in hand when discussing organized religion. Who gives man the power to declare saints and holy men? God? Many things are carried out in the name of God, and not all of them are for the betterment of the world’s condition. Does anyone really believe that the atrocities of the Children’s Crusade were necessary, and dictated by a loving higher power? Hindsight is always 20-20, yet we are unwilling to point a critical eye at ourselves. What’s done need not always be done. Laziness and apathy and fear of change have chained society to organization of faith and have virtually destroyed any remnant of actual faith that could possibly be left to experience. We are the walking dead. We are the zombies without choice or desire to experience a real emotion that comes from being an individual rather than an insignificant speck in an ocean of humans.

Ultimately one must realize that the leaders we have put in charge of our eternal salvations are human. The Pope himself was born from carnal relations between a man and a woman, was raised by parents, went to school, and lived a life before becoming the head of a regime with political and economic ties. There is no organized religion that has been able to completely separate itself from society without falling into the atrocities that a lack of society and basic human goodness provides. The argument that people need a support system to use fellowship amongst believers to deepen one’s relationship with whatever god they believe in is an obsolete notion that defines religion apart from faith. Everyone contains a spiritual well of sorts that experiences drought as well as overflow. It is up to the individual to discipline themselves into exploring and analyzing ideas that will ultimately lead them to enlightenment instead of relying on someone to make their decisions for them.

the end is in sight

i can't wait. i can't wait. i can't wait. 5 straight years of busting my ass, overloading classes, sleepless nights, red bull chugs in studios during crit weeks, dreaming of design and contemporary issues, killing myself over the perfect resume, and spending a fuckload of money for that ideal shade of red oil paint. in a few short weeks all that will be at an end. i know that once i'm out i'm going to miss it, and i'll probably start looking into graduate schools, but for right now i can't wait to actually be able to make some money, travel, and maybe even sleep in a day or two! college has been an amazing time in my life, because i have the ability to be self-sufficient, yet still have a safety net so that i don't have to work 3 jobs and go to school full time (anymore!) i have to live this summer up to the fullest extent because it will be my first one as a real adult, and very soon i will need to start acting as such.

things i need to get straight in my life:

-legit moving plans
-purge myself of unnecessary material possessions
-develop a more disciplined artistic work ethic
-make sure i finish school strong

i also need to figure out if this is becoming a rant blog or what my original intention was, of talking about my work and other contemporary influences that i deem important in modern design and artistic times. i think right now i'm a little overwhelmed with "that art stuff" and i need an outlet for my personal thoughts, not so much my creative thoughts. (seeing as i'm trying to give my all in my work). soon enough it will either have to split to 2 blogs or i'll get back to disciplining myself into discussing design topics.

good stuff

today will be a good day. i can feel it in my bones. i'm catching up with stuff that i need to do and it feels good to cross things off my list. waking up early when it's gloomy out still sucks, but coffee is excellent and my allergies are finally waning. i'm excited to start going to some baseball games this summer, and we're about to have a laser engraving demo! good stuff. i have a few trips planned for this summer, so in a few weeks i'll be completely done and ready to have the best damn summer ever.

there's also been a plethora of hilariousness on the internet today. someone's been doing their homework. this site especially tickled my funny bone.


That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.

woop woop

weekend insanity is coming to a close. united blood, bike rides, printmaking conference, movie time, nice weather... and now back to school. and it got cold again. ick. today i realized that i've put school on the backburner and i can't do that anymore. i graduate in 5 weeks and i need to finish strong. i can't screw up.

goals for the future:
- work harder on creative endeavors
- read more
- worry less about money
- be the best person i can be, inside and out
- appreciate every day
- enjoy nice weather and take more bike rides
- use a more extensive vocabulary