sweep up the pieces

Even though this is an "art" blog, I think that I have a) enough freedom to take a break and write about something personal, and b) not enough readers to make a difference anyway! Lately, for a variety of reasons, I've had to re-think how my current life has been affected by my past. For years I have blocked out significant amounts of memories and experiences, which unavoidably have helped shape me into the person I am today. I have as much cynicism and jading as I do nostalgia and happiness, and while I have chosen to focus more on the present and future, I have to come to grips with things in my past to be able to successfully move ahead. For years I struggled with an enormous amount of self-doubt and thus overcompensation in mentally unhealthy ways, none of which ultimately damaged me as a person, but I believe as a defense mechanism I was able to block out much of my negative experiences. This self-induced amnesia only works to an extent, and I believe that I need to re-visit many of these experiences and resulting emotions to move forward. While generally I subscribe to the notion that focusing on the positive is better than drowning in the negative, sometimes coming to grips with the past means examining the unpleasant experiences and emotions. I guess it's just thinking about "growing up" and kind of outlining how even terrible, horrible, soul-crushing emotions have helped me to become a better, stronger person. I am very happy with my life today, and I wouldn't change anything in the past, but there's no way to separate the person I am today without thinking about how I got here. The relationships I built and lost, the accomplishments I made, the interaction with my family and resulting present ties, my observations of relationships and how they have shaped mine, the choices I made, big experiences and firsts, my reactions in love, hate, jealousy, compassion, forgiveness, judgment, and reality. How people and "scenes" shaped me. How family has shaped me. How love has shaped me. How friends have shaped me. How people judging me has shaped me. How me judging people has shaped me. How loss has shaped me. Basically outlining the last (almost) 24 years as my life and trying to make sense of it all. Seems like a tall order...